A phoenix that rises from the ashes
my experiences with Bipolar Disorder
Keywords: lithium, music, ash, cello, christ, antichrist, spirituality, manic depression,
peace, dream, gulf war, detachment, tegretol
"What positive contribution to society in general could I make if I were not able to communicate to other human beings?" This is just one of the tough questions I have been forced to answer to myself over the last few years. Creativity is both a burden and a responsibility that cannot be switched off or wished away. The greatest challenges I face, as a sensitive artist, is to learn to manage my creativity in a way that enables me to function normally in a society that generally does not experience life in the way I do. In the following account of my experiences with Bipolar Disorder I hope to share the imbalances in my life, which caused the original manifestation of BD during my mid-twenties and the slow process of learning to understand and live with myself and in the world through finding balance.
I grew up as the middle child in a very stable family, which has always been there for me when I needed them. Home was a refuge, which protected me from the harsh realities of life. I was a quiet, oversensitive, overprotected, shy, dependant and scared child. On the first day I had to go to pre-primary school, I cried (something that I did regularly until the 8th grade) and refused to go again. I was uncomfortable in the physical world. In my pre-school drawings, people often had no arms. During the first four years at school my father was transferred three times. After initially finding academic work difficult to cope with I came out tops in my grade. My academic gift and a disinterest in sport activities made me a lonely child who did not easily make friends and over the years I withdrew into my own private world. The religious views of our church on sexuality brought me to the conclusion that my sexual fantasies, masturbation and dance were sin. I felt very uncomfortable with my own body and the opposite sex. Sex was never discussed in our family until I was 17.
At the age of 12 I started playing the cello. Music became the only medium through which I could express powerful emotions. During adolescence I found people I could relate to in a freethinking music world. Music and religion became the two abstract disciplines, in which I withdrew myself. I loved slipping into a hypnotic dream behind my cello. For my final oral exam at school I prepared a rather dark speech about the Book of Revelations and the coming of the Antichrist.
After school I had the opportunity to go and study music in Freiburg, Germany. At first I was very shy and withdrawn, but gradually opened up amongst the students in the hostel I lived in, enjoying three short romantic encounters. My cello mentor recognized my musical talent, but dealing with the physical side of my instrument never came as easy as the mental/emotional aspects and in the end his expectations suffocated me. After 5 years I relocated to Hamburg, leaving another safe haven behind. I indulged in practicing cello during the first 6 months, but then, after two consecutive days of practicing 11 hours each day, I contracted overuse syndrome and had to stop playing immediately. I could not handle doing nothing, my life seemed to be falling apart and I gradually slipped into a mild depression, which suddenly turned into a psychosis. I could not sleep or talk anymore and developed extreme anxiety. I had visual hallucinations while watching television - grotesque visions of an absurd and cruel world. All of them I related directly to myself and finally believed that I was the Antichrist, responsible for all evil, including the Gulf War. I saw my death as the only way to make the world whole again. Consequently I spent 5 weeks in a clinic in South Africa diagnosed with severe psychotic depression. I was given sleep therapy and antidepressants. It took me six months to come out of the depression, analyzing which experiences were real and which were not. The depression lifted suddenly after a week of walking to a friend's house every morning for an hour and proof reading the texts of hymns the whole day.
At first I did not want to go back to Germany, but after I had two non-malignant tumors removed from my body, I returned to Hamburg, where I realized for the first time that I was living an extremely unbalanced life. I made a point of working less, making friends and I joined a charismatic church. To my surprise my teacher said that my playing had improved greatly. 18 months later I got overuse syndrome again - this time because of cutting wood for a whole afternoon. I decided not to allow negative thoughts to draw me into a depression again. I was not so attached to my cello anymore and did not miss playing. Instead I engulfed myself with spiritual readings and experiences in the congregation. We went through a very intense phase of revival prayer, after which I lost control again and emotionally went into the exact opposite direction as two years before. I believed I was a prophet wanting to bring peace to the whole world through a 2-week plan I contorted in my mind. I spent two lonely months in hospital in Hamburg, extremely driven and unable to sleep. In the mornings I was on a high and around midday I crashed into a depression. I was treated for schizo-affected depression. It was decided that I would permanently return to South Africa where the psychiatrist I saw two years before diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. It took me another 4 months to come out of the depression after which I continued taking 1200mg Lithium and 600mg Tegretol per day.
Between 1993 and 1996 I experienced a few manic relapses culminating in me believing that I was the second coming of Christ. I felt driven to change the church I was a member of, writing letters, and having conversations with the pastors; to no effect - I resigned from the church. I stayed in a "high" for 6 months before I crashed again into a depression. During this time I managed to live a very normal life - nobody except my closest family new that I was manic. I forced myself to continue my work (teaching the cello) after I crashed; it took me a week to surface from the depression. Shortly afterwards my father fell ill with a brain tumor and I spent the next 18 months helping my mother to take care of him until he died. His illness created the opportunity for me to change my lifestyle. I realized that I needed to balance my abstract interests with something else. I took over my father's work as a marketer of financial products and later, software. This work forced me to communicate with many people about non-spiritual things.
I also realized that I needed to become more socially connected with the physical world, so I took up ballroom dancing. Part of my current weekly routine is to go dancing 2 to 3 times per week. Swimming is the sport that I enjoy most; it is something that I try to do regularly as well.
Since the beginning of 2001, for the first time in many years, my "manic voice" has been speaking to me again. This time was quite different - I experience none of the typical symptoms of BD. I sleep well, live a disciplined and balanced lifestyle, my thoughts have slowed down and I am able to give my full concentration to any activity I engage in. My manic voice has become a permanent feature that I do not fear anymore. I allow it when I feel like listening and can switch it off when I am otherwise taken up by my responsibilities and activities. In August 2002, with the consent of my family, I abruptly stopped taking medication and was unable to notice any effect. My suspicion has always been that Lithium had very little or no effect on me - no amount of Lithium could stop my manic voice from manifesting. When in the past I stopped taking my medication, I always did so after becoming manic - I did not become manic as a result of not taking my medication. The permanent solution to my problem was learning to live with myself and in the world through creating a balanced lifestyle: emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Yet, frequently I still engaged in heavy arguments about spirituality with my family. After years of feeling that I did not belong anywhere my low self-esteem was still craving for acknowledgement. Lately I have participated in workshops on self-esteem and energy management and since November 2002 I have been in therapy with a person who has been able to give me fresh insights into my experiences, confirming my belief that the duality in BD is an experience that needs to be viewed holistically, incorporating all aspects of life. Though other people might see things differently, personally I have always experienced the cause and cure of my BD not just in a social, biochemical and emotional, but also in a spiritual way. I have come to accept that striving towards the poles of antichrist or christ only causes the shadow of the opposite to return and that in the detachment from both I find balance in the center, accepting and loving both the light and darkness, the strength and the weakness, in myself.
Learning to respect other people's boundaries (like the spiritual boundaries I used to violate) and setting my own boundaries (like protecting myself from emotional or financial manipulation) is still something I am learning. But as I find more peace, harmony and strength in myself, the craving is subsiding and the courage is growing.
At the end of 2002 I created a public Internet web site where I regularly publish articles on the topics that interest me. This outlet of my spiritual creativity has played a major role in normalizing my family and social relationships. It has created the opportunity to come into contact with people who are actually interested in hearing my views, making my demands on people around me subside. After wanting to change the world, the church and my family I have finally realized that nothing changes until I do.
Having faced and resolved many of the imbalances of my past I live a much more conscious life. I have become a better artist; able to experience and project the agony and ecstasy of life through the major and minor in music. I am determined to create a masterpiece of my life, to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my past.
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